My thoughts on Jimmy Hales' Coming Out Video

I was on Gawker today, and I read a story that bothers me a bit. The story is about a young gay Mormon named Jimmy Hayes. He came out to his family and friends, and not only that, he filmed their reactions and compiled into a YouTube video. In the video he calls for understanding of the plight of gay Mormons and that we keep an open ear to their experiences. In many ways, it's an inspiring video due to its humor, acceptance, and affection seen in the reactions of his family and friends. He's had to go through a lot . It makes me so happy for him, but I have mixed feelings because of the video's underlying negative implications that taint the video's message far too much for me to ignore.

Since Jimmy is still a Mormon, he's decided to remain celibate for the rest of his life. What's the problem with that? He's going to be miserable. We know that from his extended blog post about coming out. In it, he described celibacy as a "taste of hell".  Think about what he's going to have to experience: he'll go through life seeing that his friends and family are free to pursue relationships with the people they love. They'll get married and start families. He won't be able to do any of that because he believes that God says it's sinful. No matter how much of an intimate, devoted partner he may be, he won't allow himself the chance. Jimmy is only a young adult, and he knows it sucks, but he's expects to be doing that for the rest of his life! Why should he put himself through this? Clearly, Jimmy has strong religious convictions, but I would strongly advice him to consider leaving the church . What loving God would want someone to self-flagellate themselves by denying themselves romantic companionship?  It also disturbs me that he's being commended for this by others. This suffering is not necessary at all.

Since Jimmy's video is rapidly gaining views (107,000 in only three days), he's going to be something of a role model for other gay Mormons. There are some positive messages. Jimmy teaches us to be honest with ourselves and others about our sexuality. He teaches us to not be afraid and to be comfortable with the process of coming out. Yet, through his words and actions, they're taught some very contradictory and dis-empowering things over sexuality.

First, it seems that Jimmy is teaching gay Mormons to accept their role in the church. Despite all his effort and pleas for people to understand his plight, he'll still be in the same position he was in the Mormon church. He'll be expected to remain celibate and be content with it. His willingness to accept this teaches gay Mormons that the best they can expect after coming out is simple acknowledgment of their sexuality. They'll be expected to suffer the same misery that Jimmy is being condemned to. Worse, Jimmy minimizes his celibacy by simply stating that it "sucks" and still smiling , as if it's like wearing a retainer. Ultimately, Jimmy's message has a defeatist side to it. This is especially visible when he states that "the church's doctrine isn't going to change." Even though he immediately stated after that the church's members are becoming more accepting, he didn't offer any hope that the church will finally update its policy and allow gay members to live their lives as freely as their straight counterparts.

I don't want to say that Jimmy is a victim because the effort he's made to try to get people to become more accepting and understanding of gay people is commendable. Yet, his message towards gay Mormons is far too reflective of the Church's doctrine towards gay members.It almost seems like propaganda. In his attempt to reconcile his sexuality and religion, Jimmy has started using the same rhetoric that the Mormon church uses. For example, The church created a website in 2012 titled mormonsandgays.com . This site claims to approach gay Mormons with "love and understanding yet they state in the same page that "Members of the Church who have same-sex attractions, but don’t act on them, can continue to enjoy full fellowship in the church, " That's a terrible message, and it's the message that Jimmy has embraced and is teaching as an example. The Mormon church can put up a facade of love and understanding yet enslave gay people by encouraging them to live lonely celibate lives. They'll point to Jimmy's story as a "success" story and his life as the model life. That's cruel and deceptive. If they truly understood the experiences of gay people, they would not be against gay relationships anymore.

Jimmy states that he's received love and empathy yet if any one has given him this, they would've explained to him that there's nothing wrong with the life he truly wants. No loving person would encourage him to be so lonely. He's only half-way out of the closet. To be completely out means to live out your life freely and with out shame and guilt, to not bow down to what others want from you. Jimmy deserves all of this, and he's not getting it. In many ways, it's a sad story. And the church will want to hide that.